Domestic abuse- a hidden truth

Domestic violence, a touchy subject that we as a human society are far too scared to talk about and probe too deeply. Frightened by what we may unearth and discover. The fact that this so called civilised society is far removed from the civility that we paint it with is a scary thought. It's a dark ugly world where individuals are abused by the very people who are supposed to protect and nurture them.

I am fully aware that domestic violence affects men as well as woman but for this particular article I am looking at the situation that 1 in 4 woman in the UK has faced at one time in their lives. 

When you break it down like that suddenly you start to see how widespread the disease of domestic violence has become, and these statistics are only those that have been reported to the police. My mind wonders what could the real statistics be? If all such crimes were actually reported. A study by Walby and Allen in 2004 places the statistics closer to 45 % of women having experienced at least one incident of interpersonal violence in their lifetime. This is mind blowing to even comprehend. Are we living in a world so devoid of respect and decency that half the female population in this country alone has experienced such a situation.

We are taught to believe even as women that domestic violence is only experienced by weak women, those with a victim mentality. We convince ourselves that It could never happen to me. Honestly tell me, how many times have you blamed the woman? Saying that you have no sympathy for someone who stays in that situation. How many times have you argued that it could never happen to you? How many times have you said if it did you would be out of that door. We as women spout these lines not even realising that all we are doing is feeding into the shame element of domestic violence. Feeding into this them and us ideology. we are tapping into the dark part which strips away a woman's confidence, leaving her shadowed in loneliness and despair, feeling that she can't talk to anyone about it, that if she did she would be judged or mocked. This is a dangerous path for us to take as women. Why do we constantly try to perpetuate this divide between victims and non victims. Do we believe by doing this we are safe? Do we think by being these strong women that no one can come along and break us down? That by being strong in other parts of our lives that we can't be broken by someone in our personal lives. We must stop this form of thinking. We must stop doing the perpetrators job for them.

Whilst working in the public sector I attended many domestic violence courses, one point that clearly sticks in my mind is how domestic violence is not exclusive to any one group. The heinous crime of domestic violence covers all boundaries of society, from race, religion to class. Domestic violences does not just occur in working class homes, it is as prevalent in the quiet leafy suburbs  as it is in the run down high rise ghettos. Domestic violence  is not an ethnic problem to be solely blamed on either black or Muslim men, it is something that can occur in any community irrespectively.

When will we as humans learn, violence and hatred can spout any where where it is nurtured?it is not exclusive to any particular background race or any such factors. When will communities learn that tackling these issues internally is not wrong or again shameful? It doesn't make them worse or better then anyone else. It is not a stick that we can be beaten with. As a young asian female even within my own community I can see the reluctance to tackle domestic violence. There is this fear that if we expose it the whites or the west will think us savages, that they will use it as a way of making us seem inferior. I am sure there is a similar mindset in all communities. But only by admitting that these crimes occur in our smaller communities will we then see our wider society succeed 

However this takes me back to an earlier point I made of the almost cartoonish image of a battered wife. We are taught to see these women as weak willed and submissive. We are taught to never associate them with ourselves. Yet is just as likely that a high flying career woman can be a victim of domestic abuse, that girl with the loud voice and over abundance of what appears to be confidence can be a victim, the woman with what seems the perfect life could be a victim. There is no set type of woman that suffers from domestic violence, just as there is no set type of man that commits it. If we take the statistic that one in four women has suffered domestic violence in the UK, you have to start to realise that these women are all around you, that they are a part of your everyday life, she is everywhere. Maybe someone in your office has suffered, maybe its one of the mums at the school gates, maybe it's the lady in the supermarket queue, or your best friend. Maybe it's even you.

The way that domestic violence has always been portrayed, we as women are scared to speak up, scared to admit that we have been victimised. Worried about the stigma and the conclusions people will make. We fear that by exposing the situation that we have got ourselves into we will destroy any semblance of a normal life for ourselves. Because we believe these women to be weak we do not in turn want to admit that we are weak.

Another important point not to forget that after extensive brainwashing and stripping of humanity many women begin to blame themselves. Believing that in some way they deserved what happened to them. That if only they could improve as he suggested it would all stop. The sad thing is it begins to become a normality, an everyday part of these women's lives. They learn to hide the bruises, explain away the loud noises to the neighbours. And when it all becomes too much and the lies become harder to tell, they retreat, draw back into themselves, shutting themselves away from family and friends. It's this fear and control that allows these men to continue to get away with these crimes.

The scary thing is where does it all end? Does it end in 2 women killed a week by violent partners. Because essentially, this man, this person that is supposed to love you and protect you is slowly killing you, and in some cases they even succeed. 

But what I must stress is that domestic violence is not as black and white as it may first seem, domestic abuse comes in many forms, apart from the physical violence that we associate with it, it can come in the form of emotional abuse,threats of possible violence and rape financial abuse, neglect or control. It is important to remember these facts as well. Many women who are not being physically harmed and are controlled in other ways will justify that it is not abuse if no physical violence is used. They believe that no one will take them seriously if they cannot provide bruises. This is also domestic violence and is being taken seriously by police forces and domestic violence agencies country wide. You have to understand no form of control or violence is permit-able. It is wrong.

Sisters if you take anything away from this article it's to understand that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong. You are all beautiful and amazing. It is him that is wrong. It is him that should be ashamed of his actions not you, and as friends,colleges, family members we need to understand  and look out for the signs of abuse and help and support anyone going through such a traumatic experience.

I strongly urge any sister reading this who feels that she maybe suffering from domestic abuse to read the table below. If you are finding that many of your answers are yes, it maybe time to ask for help. ( please remember these are only a summary) Please do not be afraid, talk to someone, a friend, a family member, someone at your mosque/church. If you feel this is too much please find the number for domestic violence helpline below. They are fully trained to deal with any situation and can offer help and support. 

I will be writing a follow up article to this on violence pre marriage or relationship violence in the Muslim community.

24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline

0808 2000 247 - Run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behaviour
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless?	Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for their own abusive behaviour? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behaviour or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behaviour
Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?  threaten to take your children away or harm them? threaten to commit suicide if you leave? force you to have sex? destroy your belongings?	Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive? control where you go or what you do? keep you from seeing your friends or family? limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? constantly check up on you?